On this day, many Valentine’s Days after he asked me to marry him, I ponder love. I think of his final profession of a love so deep he said it was impossible to live without me. Even now I still wonder how he could leave me with such a twisted and painful version of his love. That I would consider the possibility of loving and being loved again, welcome it, believe and trust in it, seems miraculous. It is a gift among so many amazing gifts I have received throughout this journey. One which I am grateful to receive.
I have always believed “if I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. …And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Corinthians13
The obvious question lingers in my mind. If this is love, what was my marriage? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to answer that. All I do know is that I have a chance now to experience what patience, kindness, honor, truth, protection, and trust feel like. I pray I will learn to be graceful in them, and thank God that despite it all, I can still be open to love.
Be open to love but do not seek it in the wrong places. We all have an ever present longing desirous soul in this world – it comes from once knowing a primal love with the Divine before we were born. Our mistake is to seek that depth of Love in the hearts of man. It may be good but never fully satisfying to our deepest desires of pure Love. Be mindful of which Love you are seeking.