It is an unusual habit I’ll admit. It is a habit I’ve had as long as I can remember. When I begin to read a book, two or three chapters in I turn to the last 10 or so pages and read the end. It does not spoil the enjoyment of reading to know what happens. Actually it piques my imagination as to how the author will move the storyline from the first chapters to the end they have chosen. It is the words in between that make me continue to read until the end. This curiosity carries over to everyday life. I am always seeking to know how it turns out before it has truly begun.
Some books have a predictable sequence of events. Others do not. Knowing the end of the story of my marriage I have tried over the past year to fill in the pages of how we got there. I try to pinpoint the day or week or month of the turning point. The snapshots of time when considered individually do not seem significant. When put together they form the landscape; connected and huge in retrospect. At the time they were mostly a series of small events. Intersperced were occasional big events intermingled into the daily routine of living life.
I have begun not just a new chapter, but a whole new book. It is not a continuation of the story or life I’ve known. That is done. This is something new. Every experience, every sound and sight; they are all brand new as though for the first time. I am in awe of commonplace things we take for granted. To see a hawk fly over head, or the vibrant pink and blue on the horizon at sunset, the vibration of a cat’s purr; to touch the satiny finish on my silver necklace, the sensation of water on my skin; are all amazing. To feel my feelings is a new theme.
The book I just finished had a tragic end. I am doing my best to choose a new one that is filled with inspiration and redemption. I am only pages into it and as I hurry to search out the last chapter I realize the end, as it is written, is not for me to know. I need to step back and be patient as the story unfolds, savoring the experiences as words on each of the pages between the beginning and end. To be in and know the peace of reading the page I am on.
“Declaring the end from the beginning, from ancient time things that are not yet done.”