There must be something in the air today. I am suddenly dv central – your personal escort out of the dv closet; the unexpected pied piper.
Dare I announce I have no secret magic wand? That the way out is to just throw open the door, let the secrets out, stand naked in front of the crowd; to just start walking because you will end up somewhere, even if right now you don’t know where it will be ?
Does it really matter what people think? I was so afraid no one would believe me. I was so good at hiding it, it’s likely few would have believed it if I hadn’t been shot into the 6 & 11 o’clock news and the newspaper. Even I couldn’t believe it. I lived in a fantasy that it would improve if I did things differently. Maybe I had to believe that to get through the day.
Very little light penetrates a heavily treed forest so it is difficult to find your way in the darkness. I became accustomed to running into things, and drawing the conclusion that there simply wasn’t a way out so I needed to adapt to my environment. It’s amazing how good we become at that adaptation. It has a life of its own.
One day I started walking anyway. As I sat and bold faced lied to my therapist about what a great guy my husband was and how supportive he was, how he was my rock, I had a come to Jesus moment. I was sharing how supportive he’d been in the crisis I had recently experienced (a mental collapse that ended in me visiting the ‘spa’ as we affectionately called Tuckers Pavilion) when I realized it was the first time he’d been supportive in as long as I could remember. That was why it worthy of comment. When I mentioned this revelation to a lifelong friend, she shared a long forgotten email I had sent her years prior matter of factly sharing I had indicated a desire to leave, to which my husband’s response was he’d ‘put a bullet in my head if I messed with his life’. I realized at that moment the drastic difference between that transitory support he was offering, which by the way he could not sustain, and what I’d been experiencing for years and years.
I felt like a total idiot on so many levels. I couldn’t come to grips with the aha moment of the lie of my life. I was so embarrassed by this revelation that I…… changed therapists!!! Yes! I chose another therapist who I imagined was going to tell me what was wrong with me and therefore fix my relationship. Because surely it was me who was causing my husband to behave the way he did towards me. He didn’t behave that way towards other adults (although he did to our children but we’re throat deep in denial here) so it must have been something in me that caused it.
To be continued….
“if you have a closet brimming with crap, every time you open the door to stuff more in it, you run the risk of being buried. Even if you keep it locked, at some point, when you aren’t prepared, the door is going to fly open and definitely bury you ! “