There seem to be a perpetual series of bumps in my gravel driveway. Every time I go up or down it I can’t help but think it is some cosmic metaphor for life. I rake the bumps level, and feel fairly secure that the road will be smooth and comfortable. For periods of time it seems that the bumps won’t return when out of the blue, there they are again, making for a really uncomfortable experience just trying to get anywhere. I think once I get out of my driveway, it will all be okay, but dread having to go over them and mentally plot how to avoid it. However there is only one way out !
In my odd sense of connectedness, they must somehow relate to my being chronically lost as well. Although I find myself being lost less and less, I am still amazed at my ability to have absolutely no sense of direction and no mental notes of landmarks with which to prevent my lostness. Even on routes I’ve travelled a few times, I get very turned around.
Although I’ve bemoaned both the bumps and my continual state of being lost, in a metaphoric sense I wonder if both aren’t positive signs that I am moving forward. We all seem to take some comfort in knowing where we are even if that place is one of pain, dysfunction, addiction, or just plain misery. Many times it still feels more secure to stay stuck rather than venture out into a vast unknown with no recognizable landmarks. As we get a few feet away from solid base of our ingrained habits and behaviors, it sometimes proves to be so daunting we turn back and run full speed to cling to whatever piece of the familiar we can hang onto. Security seems a far better choice than the fear and discomfort we imagine along our route. We fear wandering, possibly aimlessly at first, and fail to see we might settle into a new, better place. So deadset on knowing a destination, we fail to appreciate the journey is an experience in itself.
I think I will just accept that my driveway is going to have bumps, try to smooth them out the best I can when they reappear, and accept I’m going to be very lost on new routes that not fully ingrained in my mental map yet. I’m going to go the wrong way sometimes, maybe a lot. I just need to reorient myself when I realize it, get back to a neutral spot, and start out again.